I went for a coffee in the middle of Edinburgh today. It has been almost 10 months since my dear wife Ann died unexpectedly after 7 weeks in the hospital. And I am trying to look ahead instead of mourning day after day. Sitting in the coffee bar, I saw an old colleague who had been an IT contractor who had worked with some of my old clients. He saw me and came over to my table (more on this conversation later).
He was one of the few who had responded to my emails and phone calls, which I had made 10 months earlier. I was astonished by how few people contacted me and responded to my message. Thank you, Daniel Burger, Dave Reynolds, Mark Reilly, Mel Armstrong, Sally Davies, David Shephard and Jeff Whitecross.
Avoidance
Neighbours were respectful, but I also had quite a few avoiders who walked quickly in the opposite direction, spotting me in their view. Maybe, I thought they were avoiding me. Most of us don't know how to deal with grief.
Those who did talk had little idea what to say. Some asked if I wanted to go to a bar or have a chat over lunch, which I declined. Many avoided contact. I had to learn how to deal with it, knowing that in the future, I too could be the stranger who knows how to help people process things. It's not the five-stage Grieving process, as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's work. It is very different for everyone.
Deal with unwelcome emotions
There's no technique, just an attitude of mind that supports people in processing the unthinkable. I need to know how to deal with awkward and unwelcome emotions like grief. I decided that my future self had to become a better version of me, and I knew it would always get easier. The number of times I have distracted myself by going to the gym or taking a short bike ride, swimming, or walking because my body needs movement. You think you're getting over it, and then Mr Grief taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it and says, "Remember me?"
Others experiences
I needed to find out how others dealt with the process. I read around and focused on trying to make things easier for everyone. After all, if I could get a balance of things, I could always show up for my children who were processing things in very different ways.
I had my family, my children, grandchildren, and my extended family, who were enough for me because they, just like me, were also grieving. I knew I was not the first to process the physical, emotional and spiritual pain.
Thinking my role as an organisational change maker would help – wrong!
I thought that mastering change in a corporate setting or on an interpersonal level would provide a solid foundation. How wrong I was. Two books and audio tapes helped. One by Jill Halfpenny, a famous English actress, and Sheryl Sandberg, ex-VP of Facebook.
Both women lost their partners in their mid-30s to unexpected heart attacks that took place while working out in gyms. Both offer valuable insights into coping with grief. Their view was not to find a way to overcome it or avoid it, but rather to process it in a thankful way and with gratitude for the time they had with their partners.
Summary So far
There is no way around the process. It is different for everyone. Thank goodness for my children, family, my lawyers, IFA, and others. What I have learned about the process is that you must take ownership and face your emotions. You have to allow them. They have to rise and you have to deal with them, not hide from them, retreat into tranquillizers and alcohol. So what has this experience taught me about life?
Learnings
I know we live in difficult times, and hopefully not on the cusp of a third world war. As I said at the start of this piece, my coffee bar colleague engaged me in conversation and stated how bad the economy was and how life was hard. How the New UK Government is failing, or how the world is at a dangerous tipping point.
I was not the only one suffering
It is difficult to react to this when you think you are the only one who is suffering. We all have our stories, and we are all suffering. We have no idea what traumas others are going through or not. We have no idea of the demands, constraints and threats that others experience. We have no idea of how terrible life is for them.
What I have learned is that no one is coming to save you, because they don't even know what you are experiencing. No one is coming to save your business, your relationships, your career or your future.
You are the author of your destiny. To become better, you have to become your better self. You have to look at what you can do every day to process things and shape your future, no matter how bad it seems. You have to stand up every time you fall. I mean, stand up and take charge.
You may not defeat what stands in your way, but you can make it more tolerable for those around you.
I suppose I am nearing the end of my consulting and coaching career, but not yet. I have written seven books and hundreds of articles on change management and plan to write more, but not until I have expressed my ideas in a new book about grief. There has to be a better way than the default or accidental approach to managing oneself through the process. If anyone reading this has any advice, I am, of course, eager to know your thoughts.
Philip Atkinson
He was one of the few who had responded to my emails and phone calls, which I had made 10 months earlier. I was astonished by how few people contacted me and responded to my message. Thank you, Daniel Burger, Dave Reynolds, Mark Reilly, Mel Armstrong, Sally Davies, David Shephard and Jeff Whitecross.
Avoidance
Neighbours were respectful, but I also had quite a few avoiders who walked quickly in the opposite direction, spotting me in their view. Maybe, I thought they were avoiding me. Most of us don't know how to deal with grief.
Those who did talk had little idea what to say. Some asked if I wanted to go to a bar or have a chat over lunch, which I declined. Many avoided contact. I had to learn how to deal with it, knowing that in the future, I too could be the stranger who knows how to help people process things. It's not the five-stage Grieving process, as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's work. It is very different for everyone.
Deal with unwelcome emotions
There's no technique, just an attitude of mind that supports people in processing the unthinkable. I need to know how to deal with awkward and unwelcome emotions like grief. I decided that my future self had to become a better version of me, and I knew it would always get easier. The number of times I have distracted myself by going to the gym or taking a short bike ride, swimming, or walking because my body needs movement. You think you're getting over it, and then Mr Grief taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it and says, "Remember me?"
Others experiences
I needed to find out how others dealt with the process. I read around and focused on trying to make things easier for everyone. After all, if I could get a balance of things, I could always show up for my children who were processing things in very different ways.
I had my family, my children, grandchildren, and my extended family, who were enough for me because they, just like me, were also grieving. I knew I was not the first to process the physical, emotional and spiritual pain.
Thinking my role as an organisational change maker would help – wrong!
I thought that mastering change in a corporate setting or on an interpersonal level would provide a solid foundation. How wrong I was. Two books and audio tapes helped. One by Jill Halfpenny, a famous English actress, and Sheryl Sandberg, ex-VP of Facebook.
Both women lost their partners in their mid-30s to unexpected heart attacks that took place while working out in gyms. Both offer valuable insights into coping with grief. Their view was not to find a way to overcome it or avoid it, but rather to process it in a thankful way and with gratitude for the time they had with their partners.
Summary So far
There is no way around the process. It is different for everyone. Thank goodness for my children, family, my lawyers, IFA, and others. What I have learned about the process is that you must take ownership and face your emotions. You have to allow them. They have to rise and you have to deal with them, not hide from them, retreat into tranquillizers and alcohol. So what has this experience taught me about life?
Learnings
I know we live in difficult times, and hopefully not on the cusp of a third world war. As I said at the start of this piece, my coffee bar colleague engaged me in conversation and stated how bad the economy was and how life was hard. How the New UK Government is failing, or how the world is at a dangerous tipping point.
I was not the only one suffering
It is difficult to react to this when you think you are the only one who is suffering. We all have our stories, and we are all suffering. We have no idea what traumas others are going through or not. We have no idea of the demands, constraints and threats that others experience. We have no idea of how terrible life is for them.
What I have learned is that no one is coming to save you, because they don't even know what you are experiencing. No one is coming to save your business, your relationships, your career or your future.
You are the author of your destiny. To become better, you have to become your better self. You have to look at what you can do every day to process things and shape your future, no matter how bad it seems. You have to stand up every time you fall. I mean, stand up and take charge.
You may not defeat what stands in your way, but you can make it more tolerable for those around you.
I suppose I am nearing the end of my consulting and coaching career, but not yet. I have written seven books and hundreds of articles on change management and plan to write more, but not until I have expressed my ideas in a new book about grief. There has to be a better way than the default or accidental approach to managing oneself through the process. If anyone reading this has any advice, I am, of course, eager to know your thoughts.
Philip Atkinson
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